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So there I was, climbing a mountain so high, I could barely reach see top from halfway up. Sweat was dripping from my brow, and yet my breath formed as a cold mist as it left my mouth.
After a journey so long, and so dangerous I arrived at the summit, where a temple resided. It was a temple where only those with an open mind, truly seeking enlightenment should travel. I entered with the last strength my screaming legs could be manipulated with, till I fell in front of a group of monks, one of which had a glow about him that betrayed his achievement in obtaining enlightenment. They helped me to a chair, and the monk with the shining aura looked down at me quizzically and asked me:
"What is it that you seek?"
"Enlightenment" I said, with a dry throat almost choking the words from me. But I had come so far.
"Throw the fag off the ladder again" he said, nodding to himself.
And long story short, that's how the month of JULY began for the Hazard Labs Man-Bashery League. I returned to civilization and re-entered the labs, intent on putting on a good show. And so I set out, eager to get down to business. I untied Sophie and let her out of the closet. We had work to do.
I loaded up my computer with an email from one of my Road Agents, probably Dean Malenko who had given up wrestling to help the young gays and chumps backstage at the HLML. Apparently it was pretty important.
I couldn't really argue with that logic, I mean, Jim sucked like no one had ever sucked before. There was just one problem. We all remember it, right? One week before A KICK TO THE BODY his more talented brother Frank got injured because he wasn't looking where he was going and got an ankle booboo. I was so angry at the time, for a day Frank's gimmick was "Slut". I had no choice but to push Jim, I mean, he was the only one who I could have beaten up by Bob and George.
I then got an idea, that I would give Bob and George the tag team titles over CARLITOS and Booyah, because Dave interfered, and then when Frank returned, I'd have them feud for the title. Obviously, this plan didn't go as planned because I'm revealing it now. READ ON TO LEARN HOW MY SHIT WAS FUCKED.
Anyway, rolling on, I checked the feuds list. It seemed to be going FUCKING ACE. Comparing it to last week, we see that Foxeryn's attempted rape on Braditude raised their feud up, Jim's thrashing at the hands of Bob made their feud more interesting, and Doc Worm and Rokku feuding went up in importance. WHAT A THING.
Also, I decided to put one more special person on the Haz Labs roster. To be honest, he's been here a day or two at this point, and there's a good chance that within a week HE'S DEAD. But after he accused me of being well, Foxeryn, I had to put him in. THAT'S THE PRICE YOU PAY FOR ME BEING PETTY.
I still had to look for the right wrestler though, a man of dignity, of pride, and of SKILL.
And I found him.
One name change later and we have the new member of the Hazard Labs Man-Bashery League, DOUBLE ZERO. I decided that unlike the other characters, he would debut in the pre-show match at the PPV against a MYSTERY OPPONENT.
My work there done, I moved on to the internet, and read up on the HLML website about how everything was doing. It was all well and good up to and including this report on our RUN AND JERK CALAMITY Frank.
If anyone's wondering what the DISCONTINUED is, that's Frank's finisher. It's funny cause Hazard pulled the plug on it because it was SHIT. Also, Spug accused me of being the maker several times despite the fact it existed BEFORE I SHOWED UP. THANKS TEENY SHIT.
Not satisfied that Frank was doing well, I went straight to take a big dump
Wrestling Heat and took a big dump on it took a big dump on it. What
they had to say about all this SHOCKED AND INTRIGUED ME.
Eventually I'm not going to be able to rely on these little news snippets for comedy, BUT G'HAW JEEZ this is almost funnier than the fact that NEXT WEEK I'm making that Pchan's new gimmick.
Further internet reading showed that Haz is the third best in the wrestling biz as far as interviews go.
Beating out the likes of Kurt Angle and Chris Jericho. I find this to be inaccurate, as Maz Hazard has coined such catch phrases as "WHAT ARE YOU, RETARDED?" and "OH EM GEE" that have comprised of half my goddamn comedy lines for this whole fucking thing, and this particular entry is made for his birthday so I took it upon myself to make things right with my amazing photoshop skills.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY MAX HAZARD. FRAWRESS VICTOLY FOL ROO.
First class editing aside, I decided to work on the Hazard Labs titles, and see if all was right in the world. The often abused Sophie still suggested Benigma as the cruiserweight champion, which by this point I was okay with it, cause I realized I have very few lightweight wrestlers, if any. So he'd have to do.
I then asked her about the Ultra Belt. She told me Max Hazard was THE BEST EVER. Same for Doc as the Great Belt title holder. She reaffirmed my thoughts that the tag belts weren't good enough for Carlitos and Booyah, and finally we got to the Master Belt, held by BRADITUDE, the best young self insertion since Chris Blair became Samus Aran, which isn't hard cause that was a self insertion so vile that the real Samus quickly died and left her idiot brother to yelling SMEGFUCKSHITTITS. I asked Sophie if this belt had a worthy holder, and she looked at me, smiled and said with cute little eyes.
Well! You can imagine the ten day silence that occured as I stared at Sophie in complete disbelief. How the FUXOR did this happen? I mean, I should have seen the warning signs when earlier on in the day, IceTyger posted this little snippet on the message board.
At that point I quickly dialed Ice up, then Hazard, and then Mess who had been screwed out of some money by Foxeryn. AND WHAT DO YOU THINK WE DID?
We beat her like a retarded crack-baby.
I searched the internet to find an image that would properly show the raging power of our anger at her suggestion, and used google to look up "Gang beatings".
First up I got this:
Yeah, I know what you're thinking, "WHO THE HELL?" well that's apparently the captain of India's Cricket team, which I'm sure doesn't actually constitute a GANG, or anything. But having a gander at the article the picture was from I saw something fucking disturbing I just had to share with you:
THAT WAS NOT THE KIND OF GANG ACTIVITY I WAS THINKING OF, WE AREN'T N-FANS HERE PEOPLE.
Frustrated, I found no decent pictures, so instead, just imagine that THIS is happening to Sophie right now for suggesting Foxeryn as the Master Belt title:
YOU WANT SOME OF THAT? I'M NOT AT FAULT IF YOU PISS ME OFF AND MAKE ME DO IT I TELLS YA.
I hate you google.
Now, as you all guessed, aside from us beating Sophie till she told us through her bashed in face that she thought I said MASTERBATE TITLE (and was promptly sent to hospital, and upon recovery was stuffed in a closet for another month and fed sticks and rocks for the rest of the time in there for crimes against humanity), I didn't have much to work with this time. Frank was recovering nicely, Web was back and ready to be given another injury... it was all seeming to be working out, just the way I planned!
Well as you can imagine, I got Sophie back out of the cupboard, and threw her out a window, and then walked to the hospital and PUNCHED FRANK IN THE BEANS. Apparently backstage Bob had tried to open a can of beer with his blaster, and was accidently punched in his FAT UGLY FACE by everyone backstage. The kicker was that he couldn't wait one more day to hurt himself, ONE DAY. LOOK UP THERE PEOPLE, IT'S ONE DAY BEFORE THE PPV.
His injury as you could imagine...
Hardly the most manly of injuries, but he wasn't out for TWO MONTHS like Frank was for a TWISTED ANKLE so it was hardly a massive lost cause. I had an idea on how to recover it anyway... and I knew just what to do...
HAHA ONLY KIDDING I'M FUCKED YOU'RE FUCKED THERE IS NO LOVECHAN?!
And on that note, the latest PPV event "NOT FOR GAYS" began. Would Web be there? Naturally, but Wind Waker was not with him!
Usual business applies in ratings etc.
PRE-SHOW BEGINS, YOUR HOSTS FOR THIS NOT FOR GAYS EVENING ARE POKE-MAN AND PROFESSOR FANDANGO.
Pre-Show match: Fizz Man vs. Double Zero
Fun Fact: I typoed Double Zero's name and didn't bother fixing it. So it's Douzble Zero now. OH HOW SAD TOO BAD.
The match starts with Fizz Man pulling off a daring flying reverse elbow... I don't even know what that looks like, BUT IT SURE GETS FIZZ MAN'S SODA BUBBLING as he whips out his Carbon Saw attack and DESTROYS Douzble Zero for the 1,2,3. I shit you not people, it was seriously one flying reverse elbow, Fizz Man's finisher and the pin. I didn't even generate it like that, it just came out that way. WELCOME TO THE HLML MAN. 2 out of five stars (Overall Rating: 64%, Fan Reaction: 54%, Match Quality: 74%), not a bad debut by Double Zero, but jesus, even the GAME is laughing at you buddy.
And with tears in my eyes of a non-Simple And Clean induced nature (IT'S MIRTH PEOPLE) the show BEGINS.
MEANWHILE as the show begins, IceTyger enters the ring, about to remind us all about how bad he and Max Hazard beat Pchan and Chris "FUCKSMEGSHITBASARDOCONCHITO" Blair at "A KICK TO THE BODY" when some sorta GAY music comes out, and out to the ring walks Webber McGay, carring a handbag and looking VERY UNAMUSED. He climbs into the ring, and Ice points at the huge sign on the rampway that shows the name of the PPV and says to Web "Didn't anyone tell you? The HLML IS NOT FOR GAYS". The crowd laughs, Ice shrugs and looks away to get some camera glancing time before Web takes a swing with his purse and hits Ice RIGHT IN THE LEG. Why so low? Well apparently there was a brick in the handbag BY GOD KEEENG and Web couldn't exactly swing something heavy. Ice is still confused enough by this attack to allow Web to escape, avoiding the various trash being thrown his way and ignoring the signs that TONIGHT IS NOT HIS NIGHT. (Overall Rating: 78%, apparently Ice didn't look so good in that segment, but then again, no one has with any of these goddamn N-Fans near them).
First Match: Foxeryn Cunter vs. Braditude for the MASTER BELT TITLE
in an Inferno Match.
What's an Inferno Match, you say? Well, that's when you put two guys in a ring, and set the ring edges on fire. First one to get burned loses.
The match starts as you'd expect, with Foxeryn licking his lips and making suggestive humping motions, much to everyone's disgust. He's at a disadvantage though, as he's more flammable than Brad, but at the same time, Brad has more to lose as he doesn't look like a child molestor, so I guess it's all even here.
Regardless, Foxeryn lunges forwards, aiming to repeat his horrible attempted rape from last month, but Brad evades, nearly stepping into the flaming ring ropes in the process. He continues to evade Foxeryn's attack, dodging left and right, over and under each attack till he's got nowhere left to run. The corner is the last refuge, somehow not alight, Brad is backed up as far as he can go, and like that scene from Alien 3 Foxeryn whips out his tongue and out comes a smaller Foxeryn head that hisses at him and makes all sorts of suggestive faces and D'OH GOD WHY AM I THINKING OF THAT I AM SORRY NOT THE MEDICINE PLEASE NOW OH JESUS PISS.
It looks like Sophie's prophecy is about to come true, as Foxeryn prepares to push Braditude into the flames... everything moves in slow motion... until everything stops, and Brad is aware of other powerful people about the ring. Glancing round, he sees legends of wrestling, HE SEES RIC FLAIR, HE SEES HULK HOGAN, HE SEES YOUR MOM, and they speak to him, with such comforting words like "WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!" and "SAY YOUR PRAYERS AND TAKE YOUR MEDICATION KIDS" and "BOY YOU WERE GOOD LAST NIGHT BRAD". Then, they're gone, and Brad snaps back to reality with a split second to react, and REACT HE DOES. Summoning extra courage, Brad runs into Foxeryn, braving various diseases of the skin he could get from the sick bastard, and uses all his might to hurl Foxeryn across the ring! With a cheer from the crowd the man known round the labs (till he ran like a chicken) as Moe Lester hurtles into the fire and catches aflame for the briefest moment before the fire itself becomes ill with some sort of STD and dies. But the burn marks are there, AND BRADITUDE WINS ONCE MORE.
Brad salutes to the crowd as the ring crew douse the flames so they can leave, before realizing that Foxeryn's still there, still giving him the eye.
"The match is over... but we aren't" Foxeryn laughs in a chilling manner, again wiggling his hips.
But then, another cheer erupts from the crowd, as the android from some place far away MESS runs in, eager to avenge his lost money. With his blasters already fully charged, he shoots Foxeryn in the face and nuts, putting an end to Foxeryn's reign of evil, for the month anyway. We all know you can't keep a good horror of nature down. And I'm sure Death still wants to sex him up. Braditude thanks Mess by telling him that NEXT MONTH Mess will have a chance to obtain the Master Belt, IF HE DARES TO DANCE WITH DESTINY. Three star match and one burned fur HAW HAW HAW (Overall Rating: 80%, Fan Reaction: 77%, Match Quality: 83%, and as a result the belt became too popular for Foxeryn, we hope), and there's going to be a hell of a batshit insane match next month!
MEANWHILE MAX HAZARD COMES TO THE RING AND HE GETS A TALKING TO THE AUDIENCE THING HAPPENING. "Ya know... AH SAID YOU KNOW SOMETHING WEBBER MCGAY? TWO MONTHS AGO I PUT YOU OUT OF THE COMPANEE, AND TONIGHT, I'M GONNA PUT YOU OUT OF YOUR MISERY! TONIGHT, YOU FACE THE HEARTS HEARTS <3 CHAMPION IN A HELL IN A CELLCHAN MATCH! AND YOU WILL REALIZE THAT TONIGHT IS A NIGHT THAT'S "NOT FOR GAYS". He then quickly left the arena, needing to take a dump so big HE MIGHT AS WELL HAVE JUST DEVOURED PCHAN (Overall Rating: 89%).
Second Match: Christina Bumblefly vs. Mary Christmas in a Bra and Panties Match
For those who've never seen a WWE show before, a Bra and Panties match is simple. Two ladies wrestle, the one stripped down to their bra and panties first loses, the males and lesbians in the audience wins. Mae Young comes out, everyone loses. Everyone loses their eyesight.
Luckily, Mae Young isn't on the company roster so Mary and Christina begin fighting, as per YOU'D EXPECT, the more superior in skillz Christina deals a barrage of questions and suggestions that leave Mary wondering why her name isn't Torrie Wilson anymore. Regardless of that fact, and the fact that she still is as good a wrestler as Torrie Wilson is (Note: The only time anyone will ever remember her is that she posed in Playboy, HOW'S THAT FOR TALENT? ) Christina is getting an interesting match out of her, as they go for each other's clothes in a frenzy. I like it when ladies do that, it makes the world all happy and round and sometimes we all just like to see some girls ripping each other's clothes off and DO A LITTLE DANCE, MAKE A LITTLE LOVE UNF UNF <3<3<3 sorry I thought I was back in church again. Eager to end this display of gratuitous sexism (but it's GOOD FUCK YOU) Elysia runs to the ring, and tries to take out Christina with a chair, but instead hits Mary! Thankfully it only hit Mary in the head, doing no damage. Still, Christina forces Elysia out of the ring, and rips off the last item of Mary's outer clothes, revealing Mary's underclothes and nakidity of the skin. THERE WAS A COLLECTIVE BOING ECHOING ABOUT THE ARENA. Eager to justify running down, Elysia begins to beat on Christina, with Mary's assistance. When all seems lost, Braditude's manager and LOVEHUNNY CJade runs down and chases them both out of the ring with her tazer. Sources indicate she uses it to jumpstart her christmas light-covered underwear. Thanks to Wrestling-Heat for the tip there. A Two and three quarters star match, but apparently it was a 5000 boner salute from OUR BOYS IN THE WAR that ended BUT BOING TWANG JIMMY ANYWAY. Obviously, this should prove that this show is indeed NOT FOR GAYS (Overall Rating: 75%, Fan Reaction: 93%, Match Quality: 35%. Evidently this match was saved by the fact most people who watch HLML PPVs want to see the same thing I do, but not share my fate OF A VIRGIN DEATH. Sadly it's too late. THIS IS A SAD ENDING HAPPY BIRTHDAY HAZARD THE VIRTUAL UNDIES ARE FOR YOOOOOU).
Third Match: Dave Anez and Brian Clevinger vs. Doc Worm and Rokku in a tag match for the number one contendership to the Hazard Labs Tag Team Titles..
WHUT ZE FOOK I hear you cry. Well watch your language, there are retarded children reading this. THEY MIGHT BE YOU. Anyways, the match starts as you'd expect, with these four POWERHOUSES going at it with gusto and wrath, Rokku trying to eat Brian's head and Dave pummelling Doc with the question of whether or not he'll do what Doc thinks he's going to do or not do it or do it because he thinks he won't do it cause he always does it or do it because he thinks he WE GET THE IDEA MAN. Rokku and Dave leave the ring and Doc becomes Brian's whipping boy, as Brian relates that time he nearly quit making comics because he was too popular but no one was interested in his UNIFINISHED AND UNHILARIOUS BOOK. Reeling, Doc tries to tag in Rokku, but the big street fighter is off signing autographs for the kids in the crowd... at the back. ANYWAY, Doc eventually fights his way out of a constant beating, remembering the fact that it doesn't even matter if he is destoryed or not, because his existence is a joke for newbies who come in and want to pound the robot. WITH IMPUDENCE OMG Doc fights back, and just in time as Rokku gets up to the turnbuckle, holding a jug of water. Rather than tagging himself in though, Rokku drinks the water and pees all over Doc, causing him to malfunction, shoot sparks, and electrocute Brian so hard he thinks he's NUKULEER MAHN LOLOLOLOLQ. Still, Dave makes the tag, reminds Doc that MEGAMAN IS DUMB, and pins Doc for the win. After the match, Rokku continues to pee everywhere, and Dave and Brian just stare at him and say "WHUT THE", before he pees in their mouths. IT'S LIKE HE DELIBERATELY COST HIM AND DOC THE MATCH OR SOMETHING. Four stars match, and Rokku is now a BAD GUY SOMEHOW (Overall Rating: 88%, Fan Reaction: 88%, Match Quality: 89%. Not bad for a robot, two webcomicers and some guy with a belly too heavy for the jelly) after the match it was said that Rokku didn't register at the forums because his fingers were too big for his puny keyboard, and he typed his name as WCSkjrr (I emulated the actions by punching my own keyboard and getting keys in my fist, IT HURTS D'AAAW SIMPLE AND CLEAN)
Fourth Match: IceTyger vs. Pchan and Chris Blair in a handicap match.
Eager to prove Hazard's claim from last PPV wrong, that Ice could beat both of them by himself, the nefarious duo teamed up to try and take down the irrepressable Bastard Otaku. Of course, they had counted on Web being able to actually DO SOMETHING USEFUL but alas he swings like a girl as well as dresses like one. Still, with their advantage in numbers the two launch into ULTIMATO ATTACKO on the man Chris Blair calls a "HIPPOFUCKINGSMEGBONKERFUCKSHITTWIZZLERCUNTFUCKENVELOPE" (when confronted with the statement IceTyger said that Blair should at least put MISTER in front of it), and together dispense some weak justice. But there's no justice like justice that's as (I never wrote something here, or at least I never misspelled it) ha ha ha, whoo, I'm so damn witty. ANYWAYS, Ice looks to be in trouble, until everyone realizes that IT'S NOT ICETYGER THEY WERE BEATING ON BUT ERIC ANGLE and boy can I tell you that was surprsing, considering that Eric Angle doesn't work for the company, and probably never will. BUT REGARDLESS FROM UNDER THE RING COMES NONE OTHER THAN ICETYGER, who HYPER MACH PUNCHES Pchan in the face, and uses his Listerine Fire Breath thingy attack to roast Chris, the cries of "SM*G" echoing around the building, leaving everyone wondering why he censored that word that one time only. Then, Ice quickly pinned Pchan to win the match, and leave those two staring upwards at the sign above, that read their doom loud and clear. NOT FOR GAYS. Three stars, (Overall Rating: 79%, Fan Reaction: 78%, Match Quality: 80%) and two beaten up homos. The night goes well!
MEANWHILE a video plays, hyping up the coming match between Webber McGay and Max Hazard in a Hell in a Cellchan. Various shots of Hazard scratching himself and picking his nose show, while Web is shown in hard training scratching someone else and picking their bits. OH GLORY (Overall Quality:84%)
FINAL MATCHO: Max Hazard vs. Webber McGay in a HELL IN A CELLCHAN for the Hazard Labs ULTRA BELT.
For the uninitiated, it's a cage match, where the cage is just somewhere you fight on top of, inside of, or outside of. Quite often someone falls off and gets injured! Now, not many people would find it funny as I, but it's HIGHER UP THAN A LADDER.
As you can guess, Web comes to the ring, and realizing that the NOT FOR GAYS sign is actually in reach, he climbs the cage and tries to remove the sign, prompting Haz to DROP DOWN ON A ROPE BEHIND HIM (the safest place to be, really) to the crowd's elation. Web plays to the crowd, thinking they're just as happy as he is to see the sign being pulled down, when he feels someone breathing on his neck in a very unsexy way. Turning to give the assailant such a pinch, Web finds himself WITH THE MEDICINE THAT EVACUATES as MAX MUTHERFUCKING HAZARD picks him up and CHOKESLAMS his backside through the top of the cellchan, and into the ring below. Surprisingly, and to the dismay of every straight intelligent person in the arena (all five of 'em) Web still seems to be alive and not paraplegic... so, Max jumps through the hole he made and hits the BIGGEST MOTHERFUCKING BELLYWHACKER OF ALL TIME. IT IS THE KING, NO! IT IS THE LORD, THE MESSIAH OF AAAAAALL BELLYWHACKERS! It crushes the McGay, collapses the ring, sends the lab crashing into a mountain and causes every female in the building to get wet and everyone to stand up and yell as one "HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOOOOOOU" as the ref manages to count 1-2-3 and allows Max Hazard to retain his title, and leave Web a smush mark on the ground beneath him! HE IS THE LOVECHAN?!?! I SAYS TO YOU... YES. HE IS. FOUR AND A QUARTER STAR MATCH TO END THE NIGHT (Overall Rating: 93%, Fan Reaction: 98%, Match Quality: 84%) and the shows goes off the air with Hazard blowing the candles out on his cake as Christina jumps out and everyone laughs... except for Web, who is being carried off by paramedics.
Sadly, he would make a full recovery. The overall rating for the show acheived 84%, proving that HLML is coming for the #1 spot in the Wrestling Entertainment standings. FEAR OUR BEEFY MIGHT.
And at the end of the month, we received an interesting email from NBC.
TO BE... CONTINUED.