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So I says to Hazard "I'll do this once a month because that way I won't burn myself out" to which he replied by stuffing me in a trolley and pushing me down a hill and into a brick wall.
As a result of the concussion, I have for you people RIGHT HERE the month of June, and the drama it held in EWR, and more importantly, the HAZARD LABS MAN-BASHERY LEAGUE.
You'll all recall, no doubt, that I said I was trying to get the Playboy Channel to broadcast Hazard Labs' own brand of MAN ON MAN ACTION. If you don't remember, good for you, I summed it up in less than 1mins for you anyway.
So I came into June, fists clenched and a mouth full of spit ready to be hocked upon the wrestling world, ready to SOCK IT ON ITS SIDE AND HUMP IT no less. I call up the Playboy Channel, I talk to the MAN himself, and you know what I find out?
The Playboy Channel, said to me. THEY SAID AH SAY, THEY SAID WE'RE TOO RISKY? I'm sorry, someone explain to me how any place that involves full frontal nudity is more risky than us throwing gay comic makers off ladders and putting them out of competition for two months, someone explain that to me, please. I guess the good that comes out of all of this is the knowledge that we indeed did throw a gay comic maker off of a ladder and put him out of action for two months. HAHA, a tear rolls down my eyes every time I think about how the return of Webber McGay is going to reel in the fat checks, especially when I decide to see if I can reinjure him IMMEDIATELY.
Anyway, Porn Channels not wanting our show aside, I did some clever name changing with some help from the man upstairs MAX HAZARD, and we came up with this list. Note that all the 'place-filler' characters now have HAZARD LABS MAN-BASHERY LEAGUE names, and are no longer jobbers, but LEGENDARY JOBBERS.
Also, At the time of the screenshot taking, Torrie Wilson had only just been hired, and negotiations had gone into her new gimmick, Mary Christmas. That's one to watch out for, for sure. And by that I mean Torrie Wilson has big tits. Like, ultra-gazoongas here. Now none of you easily ruffled ladies get on my backside about this, cause she DID pose in Playboy, and evidently DID NOTHING TO HELP US GET OUR SHOW. Tune in soon for Mary Christmas in a BUCK NAKED match with Spug, I kid you not.
At this point in the month, as it was only just beginning, I took a look around and tried to see if there were any websites out there praising the more understated members of the League, and thanks to some good SUPER SEARCHING through FIVE SITES, I stumbled across this little 'gem'.
Yeah, as you can tell I was sitting here going "Holy fuck, I totally have nothing for an article here, I'M UP SHIT CREEK WITH A TOOTHPICK", so I quickly tried to make up for my lack of doing anything, but completing the names for all the events for the PPVs that we've been plum having.
The middle-ish ones are mine, the rest were with help from Ice and Hazard, because when it comes to writing stuff, NOTHING beats tricking people into thinking they're helping than making them do the majority of the work.
Speaking of doing no work, Hazard suggested that I put some more belts in for the dudes and dudettes of the labs to fuss and fondle over (and around here, there's plenty of fondling, I should note. I swear, Spug and his little fingers are all over you when you want some private time and NOT NOW JESUS HELL I'M BUSY). I renamed the belts and created a few more. Now the Heavyweight Belt is the Ultra Belt, the Other Belt is the Great Belt, there's a belt for cruiserweights called the Poke Belt, and a belt for BATSHIT CRAZY MATCHES called the Master Belt. So I do my fly up, turn Sophie around and set down the paddle and ask her who she thinks should be wearing the new Master Belt.
There was an awkward silence as she looked at me with an expression that pointed at that YES, she was DEAD SERIOUS. I coughed, thought about it and shrugged. Everyone has their off days right? No doubt she had her mind on other matters. She looked focused for the next question, so I asked her who she thought should be the lightweight champion of the federation.
Well, as you can imagine I beat the goddamn shit out of her for three whole days.
Upset, I turned to Wrestling Heat to give me something to smile about, as the days passed by. They did not disappoint.
I laughed, then quickly crossed off one of my options for the gimmick. I was seriously beginning to suspect there really WAS someone on the inside here. I laughed it off though, and the pot plant joined me, looked around suddenly, yelled "OH SHIT" and ran out the door. But it was okay, cause it seems that Christina is a FAVOURITE amongst rumour sites, with another first class gem.
First a midget, now Ultimate Warrior? The poor girl must be looking in all the wrong places, because we all know Warrior has no time for women, and much prefers to dress Santa up in bondage gear than have a heterosexual relationship! THOSE CRAZY FUNSTERS AT WRESTLING HEAT!
I have to say, that the truth is thusly, about that guy named Webber McGay, and the back injury he sustained because of what doctors told me was a MEAT ALLERGY. He was recovering well, and undergoing some light training, as his back healed. Yeah, and by light training, he certainly wasn't taking him that often. Good on you DORKFACE.
I then went and added on a new feud, and you can compare the current fued numbers to the old ones, and it seems only Max Hazard vs. Webber McGay went anywhere, but somehow Rokku and Doc Worm are right up there in interest. ZOUNDS AND FORSOOTH I hear you say, and rightly so. I asked Rokku what he thought about this, but he replied by mumbling incoherently, and the only words I did understand were "Buffy" and "Stompy's Breasts".
Leaving Rokku and his porn to himself, I stepped out into the main halls of the building only to receive a carrier mail message from one of the house shows!
It turns out someone had said something amusing and friendly, so DSL took it upon himself to sit down and bitch and call names for like, ten fucking days before finally leaving. As you can imagine, I laughed, sent DSL a letter telling him to shape up or at least take on some kind of HUMAN-LIKE shape, and continued my rounds.
No sooner was I sitting on the toilet than under the stall door comes another important letter, realizing I was low on paper, I quickly gathered the letter, and read it. My heart fell heavily when I gazed upon the report, and the very TIMING of it all.
Less than a week before the next PPV, Frank of the illustrious tag team Frank and Jim, was trying to run and jerk at the same time, and managed to fall down a flight of stairs and hurt himself. Was it a nasty back injury that was putting him out of action? Was it massive head trauma?
Nope. He twisted his ankle. Even SPG and Webber took MANLY injuries. I mean, he might as well have hurt his fucking limp wrist. I HAD A FEUD OF IMMENSE PROPORTIONS HERE, BOB AND GEORGE VS. FRANK AND JIM.
People hid as I stalked the corridors of the lab, cursing and kicking the odd midget hoping to get a job here and not have to pose for any McFarlane figures just to get by.
Eventually I calmed down, gave Sophie some cream for the sores and got back to work. I could save this thing, all I needed was an idea... AND BY GUM I GOT IT.
So here's the report for the latest PPV, named A KICK TO THE BODY
The usual bollocks apply.
Pre-Broadcast Match: Bob vs. Jim in a Falls Count Anywhere Match.
Jim started the match off early with a homage to his injured partner Frank by RUNNING AND JERKING UP AND DOWN THE CORRIDORS OF THE BUILDING, till Bob finally tracked him down and smashed him in the face with a conveniently placed one-of-a-kind cancer curing machine. Or at least that's what we told the little bald from therapy kid we had so he'd show up to the building and give us a sympathy rating. Hah! You should have seen his face when he cried on camera, and we had the announcers say he was crying with joy because he was going to DIE TOMORROW.
Back to the match, and Jim continued to get the shit kicked out of him, until Bob got tired of it, shot him in the balls, and pinned him with one foot for the three count. Then, after that, he resumed beating the shit out of Jim, before stuffing him in a locker, and dragging it out of the building! What nefarious deeds did Bob have in store for Jim? I MEAN, WHO GIVES A SHIT. One star from the reviewer, who deemed it dull until his medicine kicked in and it was THE BEST THING EVER WOAH MAKING PISS (Overall Rating 54%, Crowd Reaction 52%, Match Quality 57%)
With an explosion of fireworks, THE SHOW BEGINS AND EVERYONE TUNES IN FOR FUN AND LOVECHAN.
MEANWHILE, our hero and yours MAX HAZARD comes to the ring and announces that since he left Web injured and unable to compete, he was going to keep the fans happy and eat a sandwich LIVE ON TV. The applause was through the roof until out of nowhere PCHAN comes to the ring and goes right for the big man and his big belt (I ain't kidding here, he was frothing at the mouth like a rabid weiner dog). Of course, Hazard would have non of this, and casually took out his Boxing Glove Gun, and punched Pchan so hard he almost got knocked straight! Sadly though, as Hazard left the ring Pchan continued to rant and rave and bleed all over the ring and we had to clean up. Apparently from rehab Webber was seen to shout "That's mah boy, he can jump puddles" and burst into tears before medics were able to subdue him with a punch to the nuts. (Overall Rating: 81%. For trying so hard Pchan became a little more popular, and the fans didn't dig Hazard having to beat on Pchan, but they hate The Ultimate Warrior so they should shut up and kiss dick. Really)
First Match: Elimination Match between CARLITOS and Senor Booyah vs. Dave Anez and Brian Clevinger vs Spug and Blade Enigma for the Hazard Labs Tag Team Titles.
For note, in an Elimination Tag match, only two wrestlers are tagged in, and they have the option of either tagging in their partner, or tagging one of the two people on the team that are not in the ring at the time. When a member of the team is pinned, they're out, and then normal tag team match rules apply from there.
The match started off with Spug against Dave, who thanks to the fact he has a girlfriend was completely unfazed by the little norway boy's ability of attracting most people to his tight little anus, and proceeded to beat the little guy up. Dave then tagged to Brian who continued to assualt Spug with sword jokes and offers of wallpapers and such for donation to his money bin, before tagging Dave back in so the two could double team the shit out of Spug. Quickly, Dave tries to pin Spug but gets off when he feels tiny hands on his backside. Using the recoil of disgust to his advantage, Spug reached out and tagged in Benigma, who counters both the Webcomic overlords' techniques with tales from MORONIC SONIC. Obviously outclassed, Dave tags in CARLITOS, who looks to Booyah, barks, and then leaps into the ring to a roaring applause!
Realizing after about several physics defying kicks to the head that he's outclassed, Blade dives for the closest person he can, and tags in Brian, who refuses to go into the ring, until CARLITOS grabs him by the shirt collar and hurls him in. CARLITOS beats on Brian for a bit before tagging to Booyah, who in continues the thrashing, despite Brian's desperate pleas for a Fair Pummelling Act to be passed so he can get out of this crazy situation!
Brian manages to shove Booyah back towards the Enigma corner, and Blade makes a tag and goes in. Having to abide by the Code of Masked Wrestling, Booyah goes back to his position as Blade resumes detailing the humour of the Mickey Mouse robot to Clevinger, who at this point has no other chance to take but to let Dave distract the referee so he can punch Blade in the balls to turn the tide! Amazingly, it turns out Benigma isn't a girl, as he falls over clutching his two best friends! Brian crawls on top of Blade Enigma, and the referee makes the count. Brian sighs with relief for a second, until he realizes what he's done. Sure, Spug and Blade are gone, but that means he's in the ring with CARLITOS and Booyah! Booyah goes in first, but Brian scurries to Dave and makes the tag! Dave tries to outwit Booyah by relating what kind of wacky quirk he'd have if he were a robot master, but Booyah responds by tagging in CARLITOS, who somehow manages to German Suplex Dave with those tiny dog-legs of his (A mexican man in the audience later told me that "HE IS MIGHTY, SO MIGHTY THAT NOT EVEN LITTLE LEGS CAN HOLD HIM DOWN", and then drank water from the tap and died) before launching himself off the top rope, and pinning the Bob and George Comic Master to win the match! And thank god, I was running out of ways to make fun of Sprite comic making and it's only been TWO REPORTS. I need to research. Four stars out of five for the new Tag Team Champs. Give 'em a round of applause and a biscuit (Overall Rating 89%, Fan Reaction 88%, Match Quality 91% and as a result of Booyah and Carlitos becoming the champs of the tag team belts, the belt became more prestigious, RAWK).
MEANWHILE L and Brad are backstage, as L hypes Brad up for his all important match tonight. Who's he fighting? FOXERYN CUTTER. What man wouldn't need to be pepped up to get into the ring with a child molesting bastard like that? But regardless, L fills Brad with words of encouragement, before he makes some off-cut comment about her boobies and she hits him with a baseball bat (Overall Rating: 90% and CJade became more popular because Brad noticed she has boobs? or something. I wasn't paying attention).
Second Match: Christina Bumblefly vs. Elysia in a Ladder Match.
A rematch to end all rematches (that don't involve gay men falling and hurting themselves), as Bumblefly and Meadows go at each other FULL STEAM with all sorts of hair pulling and purple nurples and html and other girl stuff I don't understand. The prize on the ladder, for note, is a hat. WHOSE? I dunno. Anyway, they continue to brawl about, as a man with a yellow beard yelled from backstage "TAKE IT OFF" and finally Bumblefly is able to get the upperhand and suggests changing the boards which completely throws Elyse off since she hasn't visited them in ages, allowing Hazard's Wife/Manager to climb the ladder and get the hat. After the bell is rung to end the match, Christina offers her hand to shake, to which Elyse responds by STEALING THE HAT AND RUNNING. Shenanigans ensue as the Benny Hill chase music plays and everyone runs around. Four stars out of five, despite the continual tease of no breasts. Let's face it, THAT'S THE ONLY REASON YOU PEOPLE ARE WATCHING, now back to that Mary Christmas picture for me. OOOH YEAH (Overall Rating: 89%, Fan Reaction: 91%, Match Quality: 87%)
Third Match: Brad vs. Foxeryn in an Iron Man Match for the MASTER BELT TITLE
Now you know why Brad needed encouragement, because in an Iron Man Match you have to pin your opponent as many times as possible to win, which gives Foxeryn ample chances to get his pants off and OH GOD I'M FRIGHTENED ALREADY.
The match starts off with Brad fighting like a man backed into the corner in the prison showers, AND BY GOD KEEENG IT'S THE SAME THING ANYWAY. Brad punches, kicks, knees, and generally beats the holy hellfucker out of Foxeryn with everything he has in his tank. But much to everyone's dismay, Foxeryn gets the advantage, and attempts to perform a piledriver on our plucky drunk! Of course, some people would argue that Foxeryn was never going to actually PILEDRIVE Brad, but merely keep his head stuffed between Foxeryn's FAT FURRY LEGS for the entire time of the match. Brad manages to backdrop Foxeryn, knowing full well that the weakness of his opponent is that when put on his back, Foxeryn is too FAT AND STUPID to be able to get back up again. Wasting no time, as Foxeryn struggle to stand, Brad climbs the turbbuckle and leaps off the second rope, kicking Foxeryn in the mouth, a place the police are investigating because of the number of small children that have disappeared in its vicinity. With Foxeryn down again, Brad makes the pin and quickly moves away from Foxeryn, as all he has to do now is avoid Foxeryn and he'll be a-okay! BUT THAT AIN'T GONNA HAPPEN, as Foxeryn uses the shining magic molester wand and becomes MEWTWO CUTTER, and well, everyone in the audience begins to look away and write sympathy cards to the ass reconstruction hospital, cause Brad is a DEAD DEAD MAN.
What happens next cannot be detailed, but Foxeryn got the next pin, through usage of his psychic baby groping powers and the threat of donkey punching Brad till his head bled, and then then it was one pin all, and now it was time to be a man. In fact, L was heard over the PA system demanding that Brad BE A FUCKING MAN, and despite the fact that his clothes were torn, his face was covered in scars and blood, and he had a hard time closing his legs without extreme pain HE WASN'T GOING TO LET THIS BE A LOSS, THERE'S A BELT ON THE TITLE HERE.
As everyone else was ready to write him off like a bad N-Fans strip, Brad kicked Foxeryn out of his raping suit, and began to stomp a hole in Foxeryn's chest with his size 1 jillion boots! Adrenaline pumping and the clock ticking, Brad knocked Foxeryn down once more, got a running start, and landed knee first on Foxeryn's face, as a shower of blood exploded all over the front five rows, Brad using his BRADITUDE ADJUSTMENT FINISHER to get the final pin and win the match with the timer just running out!
Brad raised his arms to much applause, then, after putting the belt around his waist, he grabbed a chair from ringside, waited till Foxeryn was trying to stand, and dropkicked it FLAT UP FOXERYN'S BACKSIDE, before running off screaming like a bitch in case that actually turned him on... which it did SO IT'S OKAY TO CRY SOMETIMES. Brad later proved this as Simple and Clean played at the victory party, but Winnie the Pooh gave him some Hunny and that makes everything better. HE IS THE LOVECHAN?! Two and a half stars.(Overall Rating: 68%, Crowd Reaction: 54%, Match Rating: 84%. The belt gained image, but the reason the fan reaction was so down was because Christina vs. Elyse got the crowd so pumped they were burnt out. FUCKERS. I AM SICK OF THIS CROWD D'BAAAWL CRY MAM)
MEANWHILE Pchan comes up to Blair backstage and suggests that TONIGHT they show Hazard some respect, and tag team against the mighty American and a partner of Hazard's choosing in a TABLES MATCH. Blair, still remembering the shame of the BASARD incident (WHICH NEVER HAPPENED MIND YOU) he shook hands with the midget homo and announced "IT'S SMEG SHIT FUCKER TIME IN THE DICK" (Overall Rating: 63%, and just by being around Pchan, Blair became less popular... OR MAYBE IT'S JUST CAUSE HE'S FUCKING BORING).
Fourth Match: Doc Worm vs. Rokku for the Great Belt Title.
Okay, we have a robot made from Poke-Man parts, and Rokku the street fighting boobschan man. For a belt that by all standards neither deserve to get, right? WRONG. Rokku goes apeshit batnuts crazy to begin, and begins hitting Doc with his FISTS OF RAGE as Doc tries to remember why he's even here (I swear I didn't tell him that Dixie needed spraypainting again, IT'S HEARSAY) and eventually responds by PUNCHING ROKKU IN THE CHIN... the uh... first one. ANYWAY, that brazen move stops Rokku completely, and he realizes that Doc can actually FIGHT, and suddenly it's a clinic on Robots turning on Humankind as Doc begins to open up WORM 3:16 on his rival, decking him with harsh lefts, not really used to having two arms and being able to use BOTH AT ONCE.
Eventually, it gets so bad that Rokku grabs the referee, rips his shirt off and yells YOU FIGHT HIM and pushes the official towards Doc. The referee of course doesn't like that and tells Rokku that he's really pushing his luck! In response Rokku calls up and harasses the referee's children over the phone telling them their dad is cheating on their momma with a camel and the referee responds by telling Rokku that he's REALLY pushing it this time, and eventually caves in an DQs Rokku when he drives over to the referee's house and has sex with his wife! IT"S LIKE ROKKU WAS TRYING TO GET DQ'd OR SOMETHING. Three and a quarter stars and Doc retains (Overall Rating: 84%, Fan Reaction: 81%, Match Quality: 87%, and as a result of the match, the Great Belt became much more important).
Fifth Match: Max Hazard and his mystery partner vs. Pchan and Chris Blair.
Pchan and Blair are in the ring already, waving their arms and saying into their microphones that Hazard could never find a partner that could take them down, and that they were the winningchan smeg shitfuckers in town now! They were about to declare they were doing the match for Web when THE GLASS SHATTERS AND THE GIRLS BRUSH BECAUSE OUT COMES MAX HAZARD, WITH A MICROPHONE FUTHER MUCKERS.
Max takes the mic, licks it and rubs it on his pants then speaks! "YAH KNOW SUMMIN'? YOU SONS OF BITCHES IS DUMB. WHAT ARE YA, RETARDED? MY PARTNER COULD KICK YOUR ASSES BY HIMSELF" and then the big man throws the mic at Pchan and knocks the little shit out of the ring unconscious, and signals for his TAG TEAM PARTNER to enter, and it's none other than ICETYGER WITH A FUCKING TABLE. YEAH, HOSING DOWN TIME is uh, what Spug would say, as Ice runs down to the ring, clobbers a pale white with fear Blair with the table, before setting it up and putting the self inserting SMEGSHIT on the wooden construct.
As Ice climbs the turnbuckle, Hazard storms down the ramp and is heard clearly without the microphone as he yells "INSERT YOURSELF IN THIS YOU SMEGCHAN MCDICKTITTER" before Ice comes crashing down FIST FIRST and puts Blair through the table, leaving him a mess on the floor! The crowd roars in applause as Hazard and Ice share a beer, a manly handshake, then some heterosexual hugging for a moment before butting heads and knocking each other out, leaving the entire ring to be cleaned up by Dixie and her medics. Three and a quarter stars for this match (Overall Rating: 83%, Fan Reaction: 84%, Match Quality: 82%).
After the show, everyone drank heavily, and no one was injured. WHAT A THING. The overall rating for the show? 81% mutherfuckers. We da shit, yo.
But hey, don't you mutherfuckers rest on your laurels just yet, ya hear? Cause HE'S BACK.
