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So naturally, when someone makes a game that lets you run an existing wrestling federation, or alternatively make your own and run it against the big boys, I lapped it up like a cat to a saucer of milk. Or a fist to a nun's face.
So I pitch the idea to the only two guys who matter, being Hazard and Ice, and then I get WHIPCRACKIN' on making a Hazard Labs Wreslting Federation, called the Hazard Labs Man-Bashery League (because of space constraints, called Hazard League Man-Bashery).
Now, we managed to fill the roster with mostly Hazard Labs people, and then added N-Fans members we think are dumb, and two famous sprite comic artists to create a federation of DESTRUCITY the likes of which has never been seen before.
There is currently no TV deal for HLML, but I assure you that contract negotiations are going on with the Playboy Channel AS I TYPE THIS.
Now to get onto the fun stuff, the pictures of the stuff taking place with little captions underneath explaining some of the finer points of the program called EWR 3.0, which is what is being used to smash bash and crash rock'n'roll style.
I will after that, give a synopsis of the matches I made at the PPV for the HAZARD LABS MAN-BASHERY LEAGUE May PPV, named "GUTEN NACHT".
But here's the trials and incidents that lead up to this amazing PPV.
I started my work on the fed, and of the many emails I received (asking "ANY MAILS" as I did"), I got one from MAX HAZARD, which is the only reason I decided to do this.
Determined not to let him down, I went and got some sponsors for our fledgling company, AND WHADDYA KNOW. Prime and punching me in the nuts for Major Sponsorship rights was Hazard Labs itself, a feat only managable by sheer DELIBRATE EDITING.
And then after some hirings, I got the roster filled out to the people you see below, in alphabetical order. If you're on the list, CONGRATULATIONS. If not, YOU LUCKY BASARD (to be edited later, I never wrote it like that).
I then set about booking some feuds. These of course being the only five that I could come up with at the time. As you can see, IceTyger vs. Blair is HOT STUFF BAYBEE, hotter than Web when I AIMed him once and he tried to find out where I lived so he could do me in the backside. True story. As you can guess, the closer a number is to 100 in this game, the better it is.
I had three belts, and I needed to put them on superstars AND FAST. So what did I do? I asked my secretary Sophie. Wiping her mouth and getting off her knees, she readily informed me that there was only one man fit to be HAZARD LABS HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION.
Then I consulted the writers, who informed me that most of the guys I'd hired hadn't debuted. ASK ME IF I GIVE A SHIT. Also to note, Fandango's gimmick is 'Bumbling Englishman' and I am not changing it, or his PITHY COMEBACK FINISHER. In fact, I'm not changing anyone's gimmick. They can live with it, the fuckers. For extra note, Hazard is an American Hero, Web is Gay, and I'm a Fun Drunk.
The best thing about this game is the internet reporting. There's the 'official' sites like this one below that gives important news concerning the wrestlers.
And there's ones that are completely full of shit and make up news because they're 14 year olds that want hits and internet fame. SEE HERE FOR AMAZING STORY.
So once set up, I began clicking through the days, adjusting this and that to make sure that the business was running smoothly. All of a sudden, one week before the Pay Per View, I get an urgent message concerning an accident at a house show! I rushed to the hospital to discover...
Naturally, I consulted the medical team, and was relieved when they told me that SPG would be back to telling us all how damn creepy we are within the month. THANK GOD. I don't know about you guys, but I'm glad that we've got DIXIE working to heal these guys.
Of course, Wrestling Heat, the rumour site, was ahead of the rest with THIS SCOOP OF SCOOPS.
Can't put one over them, can I?
With that said and done, there were no more things to worry about, and I went straight onto the task at hand. The May PPV which we had named...
GUTEN NACHT
The following is a PLAY BY MUTHERFUCKIN' PLAY of the night, with explosives and passion and gay locker room rape of the jobbers by a masked furry.
They're divided into segments in the game, for booking purposes, so that's how I've done them. Also, matches and segments are given viewing ratings, and matches are given a rating by the match reporter, who gives it a star rating at the end, depending on the skill of the wrasslers!
Onto the show? OKAY.
Before the show: ULTIMATE WARRIOR appears and lets the world know, in a 3 hour speech, that he is THE authority figure of the HLM, as appointed by THE SUPREME LORD ABOVE. He drivels on for a few more days about Warrior-isms and whatnot, before head-butting the ring-post and running off screaming! What a wacky guy! (Given a rating of 55%, and apparently people though Ultimate Warrior sucked or something, because the crowd responded less well to him than they should have. Which is dumb, cause this is ULTIMATE FUCKING WARRIOR HERE PEOPLE, HE'S CRAZY, HE'LL DO YOU)
Then the show BEGINS.
Max Hazard's backstage, and you know he's meaning business because he pushes
away his plate before he talks, AND BOY IS HE EVER ANGRY.
He takes that mic, licks it a little, then announces "You know what? There's
a title out there, A TITLE I SAYS, and it's got my name on it. HAZARD. I'm Max
Hazard. OH EM GEE. I'm gonna get it and I'm gonna beat the hell out of that
guy called Webber McGay, and make him squeeeeal". (Got a rating of 90%,
cause it was MAX FUCKING HAZARD)
The rest of the interview involves Hazard frothing at the mouth and Christina
calming him down with an anvil to the head, so we'll move onto the FIRST FUCKING
MATCH.
First match: Bob and George vs. Frank and Jim
A match that nearly didn't take place people, but as a result, Bob just shoots
the shit out of Jim, Frank, and George until Frank and Jim jump him and give
him a lesson in prison survival in BANGKOK. George pulls Frank off his brother
and the two begin brawling outside the ring when all of a mutherfucking sudden
the match is brought to a halt when BRAD AND ICETYGER run into the ring and
drill Bob and Jim in the heads with chairs, making the match a no-contest. Hell,
these guys were so damn boring could you blame them? The feud between the sprite
comic character duos remains unresolved, as the referees drag the two interfering
wrestlers out of the ring! (It was a Overall rating of 57%, Fan reaction of
53% and Match Quality of 62%. As a result of taking a chairshot like a fucking
MAN, Jim became more popular with the audience). The match got Two and a half
stars out of five. Not bad for a bunch of MORONS.
MEANWHILE, Christina Bumblefly, Max Hazard's manager, approaches Webber McGay
about a match TONIGHT against Max Hazard, to which Web looks at her, looks at
a copy of Wind Waker and says "NO THANKS", and then throws her out
when she has the audacity to tell him that the game is NOT FOR GAYS! The crowd
boos him good for that. (Overall rating of 86%, CAN YOU SMELL THE MONEY?)
Second Match: 20 Man Battle Royal for the Hazard Labs Other Title Belt.
I can't remember who I put in, but some of them were amongst the 7 guys I grabbed
to make up numbers, and I needed the writers to stop telling me they needed
to debut on TV. SO HERE WE ARE.
The match starts pretty damn intense as everyone goes crazy, especially Rokku
who was told there was a BUFFET for the winner.
Then suddenly out of nowhere DSL is thrown out of the ring, over the top rope.
Which powerhouse tossed him to the floor?
Pchan. MUTHERFUCKING PCHAN.
Next to follow is Backyard Billy, a jobber to make up numbers, getting his justified tossing by CARLITOS, the mighty Lucha-Dog.
Third to go is Bob, thrown out by his own creator, Dave, who obviously knew Bob was going to stab him in the back later for all that 'Alternate Bob' stuff.
No one else is eliminated for a while as Rokku continues to go batshit crazy in the ring, trashing people left and right! It's a CRAZED MAN IN THE RING BY GOD KEEENG. Finally the ring is given even more room when Ectoflame accidentally runs into 'Crazy Mexican' and knocks his ass out of the ring! He must've thought it was IceTyger!
And Carlitos continues to own the ring, not satisfied by eliminating a jobber, he turns his attentions to Mess, who ends up on the receiving end of a super throw that leaves him with no one to blaim but himself for getting in the way of a DOG ON A MISSION.
Kirby the Pink is deleted in less than a 1mins by Rokku, and is closely followed by Tripleliscious who took himself out of the ring to avoid Foxeryn's rampantly thrusting pelvis, and who can argue against that? The belt, or your anal virginity?
In true big name style, Brian Clevinger works over El Midgeeto in the corner, beating the Mexican midget like a "government mule" and making him SQUEAL like the artist of Wendy!
Ectoflame, still looking for Ice, finds instead Doc Worm's elbow, as the robot constructed out of spare Poke-Man parts leaps off the top rope and bundles Ecto out of the ring! The crowd goes up in the air for that move, and backstage they say that Hazard passed gas. HEARSAY I TELLS YA.
Then in the center of the ring, just as the action heats up, ANEZ AND CLEVINGER CLASH IN THE RING. Dave beats Brian to hell and back, with girly slaps and shin kicks straight out of his opponent's book of moves! The two exchange brutal catchphrases and character stereotypes when Dave suddenly dribbles on his hand Rock-style and then kicks Brian in the nuts, and pushes him out of the ring! The crowd roars in response, the clash of these two sprite comic big-wigs far from over! And also far from cleverly written!
Brian isn't long out when suddenly Doc throws Foxeryn over the top rope, letting
him hit the floor hard! The competitors still in the ring breath a sigh of relief,
and Brad points and laughs.
Enraged, Foxeryn stays down by the ring and as Brad brawls with Rokku, watches
intently. Brad tries to eliminate Rokku, but the wrestler from many dimensions
or something something stops himself by grasping the ropes and thinking heavy
thoughts! Obviously thinking of his mother HAW HAW DING I'm sorry.
Chris Blair and IceTyger spot each other across the ring, and charge. But Blair is suddenly grabbed by the back of his ugly head and is directed over the top rope to the floor by DOC WORM, making that his third elimination of the match! Ice can't stop his own momentum, as everyone dives out of his path, except for Brad, who finds Foxeryn trying to hump his leg! Brad is cleaned up by a Hyper Mach Punch and sent flying out of the ring! But thankfully Foxeryn spots a 5 year old in the audience and leaves his beaten up foe alone for now!
IceTyger doesn't move from where he stands, leaning over the ropes and shrugging to the slowly recovering Brad. Never one to turn down an exposed behind, Rokku tosses Ice out of the ring quickly, and pigs are heard to be flying all over the world with JET ENGINES as Doc and Rokku clean house, and then meet each other in the middle of the ring, Doc pounding away on Rokku, but like Brad, unable to throw his plucky foe over the top rope!
Meanwhile, Pchan's in trouble, because Dave and Carlitos look at each other and nod, before opening up a can of LOS WHOOPASS on the PANTS WATANGA CUPCAKE thing! Carlitos tossing Pchan around the ring with amazing agility, to Dave who gives him such a pinch!
Indignant, Web comes down to defend his beloved from the mistreatment of one of his rivals. He cusses at Dave and gets his attention, as Pchan slips away from Carlitos and charges at Anez! But Dave hasn't been a sprite comic guy for so long for nothing, as he ducks and uses Pchan's own movement to send him flying up into the air, outside of the ring, and crashing into Web, leaving them both lying in a daze on the floor.
Dave was later quoted as saying, "Who were they anyway?"
Not finished beating on midgets, Dave turns his attention to El Midgeeto, and recounts to him all the hard work that went into the Master-B4T3 joke. El Midgeeto eliminates himself, and goes off to stalk Christina some more.
Blade Enigma, who somehow managed to stay unnoticed in the corner the whole match, is up on his feet, and promptly finds his backside on the outside of the ring, as Dave bends down to do up his shoe, and Benigma trips up and crashes over the top. The three best performers in this match are Dave, Doc and Rokku. HAS THE WORLD GONE MAD? Yes.
Dave and Doc begin brawling as Rokku and Carlitos square off! The crowd erupts in applause as Carlitos whips Rokku left and right, till Rokku rakes Carlitos' eyes, and throws him out! Such is the curse of being light and easy to throw!
Turning his attention to Doc and Dave, Rokku delivers a punch that requires at least ten minutes of speaking time for the attack announcement, and sends Dave flying out of the ring!
This leaves Doc and Rokku in the ring, squaring off! As the crowd begins to
go to get snacks and foods and go to the toilet, the two spring into action
Again Rokku tries to use his body as a battering ram, but finds himself tricked
as Doc grabs the ring ropes and falls over, pulling the ropes down LOWER than
Rokku's center of gravity, and sending him toppling to the ground! Doc Worm
is the new holder of the Other Title! He celebrates by taking a drink of water,
malfunctioning, and melting half his own head. (Overall Rating 62%, Fan Reaction
59%, Match Quality 65%) Battle Royals do not get rated.
Third Match: Christina Bumblefly vs. L vs. Elysia
Christina and Elyse start by double-teaming L, and despite a spirited comeback,
Christina baffles her with her knowledge of coding, and pins her as she tries
to figure out some of what was just explained to her! Not so easily fooled,
Elyse gives Christina a good fight, but just when it looks like Christina is
overpowering her plucky opponent, Elyse rips off the turnbuckle pad, and drives
Christina into it, knocking her out for the 1-2-3! (Overall rating 87%, Fan
Reaction 84%, Match Quality 90%) A four out of five star match there, putting
everyone else on the card to shame. FOR SHAME EVERYONE ELSE. FOR SHAME. Christina
and L are both given a round of applause for the efforts, but do not take off
their tops as per the request of the crowd (sources suggest that all the male
competitors that weren't N-Fan members were in the audience at this point, except
for Hazard who was back waiting in the love shack NAKED AND OILED?!).
MEANWHILE an IceTyger vs. Chris Blair video is played. (rating of 80% yo)
MEANWHILE Ultimate Warrior goes over Web's head and with ULTIMATE DESTRUCITY
makes Web face Hazard TONIGHT, IN THE RING (51%, people really hate Ultimate
Warrior… BUT THEY'RE JERKS).
Fourth Match: Max Hazard vs. Webber McGay in a Ladder Match for the Hazard Labs
Heavyweight Title Belt!
Web gets into the ring and puts the mic to his mouth and starts whining and
moaning about Dreamscapes and warpholes and how Hazard will kill him if he comes
into the ring when SUDDENLY the Glass Shatters (a WWE™ but fuck 'em, Hazard
walked through a glass pane on the way out because HE WAS IN A HURRY), and THE
FUNKY CHICKEN DANCE music plays as the crowd gets up on their feet and cheers!
Hazard comes storming down to the ring frothing out the mouth and roaring in
rage, and Web does the only thing he can think of, and throws the ladder at
Hazard.
With a cry of D'GOOOO the big man goes down, and Web immediately starts choking
him out. Slowly but surely Haz is passing out, and the ref can't do anything
because the object of the match is to get the BELT by using a LADDER. But no
one explained that to Web, I guess.
All looks lost though, as Hazard's eyes close, his body relaxing…
But the crowd, they don't give up. They begin chanting his name, HAZARD, HAZARD,
WHUT, HAZARD.
And then, the AMERICAN HERO opens his eyes, looks Web in the eyes and says…
"DID YOU JUST TOUCH MY BUTT? WHUT ARE YA, RETARDED?"
The rest of the match is Hazard whipping Web around the ring, smashing him with blow after blow in a totally hetero way before dragging Web up the ladder, screaming, and throwing him head first to the outside of the ring. Then as he lights up a cigar, and unzips his pants, he takes the title off the hook and holds it aloft!
Hazard is CHAMPIOOOOON. (Overall Rating 87%, Fan reaction 88%, Match Quality 85%).
The overall show is rated 77%, and everyone exchanges hearty handshakes.
After the show we learned the most disheartening news ever.
THIS MEANS WAR PANTS LA LA CUPCAKES, says Pchan.